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Tara's Pregnancy Journal

Week 9 - April 21, 2006
~ The "Secret" is Out!

I was a bit nervous going into this week, since I knew I had to tell my main supervisor about my pregnancy. From prior experience, he's been very good and supportive of me, regardless of the situation, but nonetheless, I was anxious.

So, armed with the knowledge that our little baby bean is doing well, I told him. And, wouldn't you know it -- he had already suspected! See, I've had a bit of a belly for a few weeks now, but I thought I had hid it well. I joked and said, "So you thought I was gaining some weight, huh ?" With a wife who's had two children, I think he knew something was "up," but as he told me, he was just waiting for me to tell him.

Anyway, the rest of this week went pretty well -- no more morning sickness (counting my lucky stars on that one) and my appetite's been good, maybe a bit too good! I did do something a bit "sneaky" this week. I don't know think I mentioned this in my previous entries, but I am actually going to school part time to get my certification in elementary education. It's something I had been thinking a great deal about for some time, and three years ago (this semester), I started classes. I love my classes, and while there are times where I am sort of torn between my current job/career and teaching, more and more I am convinced that teaching's where I should be.

I went to visit a lady who runs a very neat private school -- I knew her husband through my job as a reporter, and he had strongly encouraged me to talk with her. Turns out, I **love** this school . . . and there might possibly be a chance for me to work there, come next year. Right now, my game plan is this -- if I can avoid going back to work at my current job, I will. But, if I have to go back, I want it to be on my terms as much as possible -- either working the morning shift or cutting back my hours some. The guy that works the AM shift now is *supposed* to be retiring this November, but I have heard through the grapevine that he's putting that off a bit. I'd love to come back from maternity leave and get that shift (that is, if a job doesn't open up at the school), so at least the little one wouldn't have to be in care for more than just a few hours. Otherwise, I'm going to push to get my hours reduced--and I'd even take a pay cut, too--but I want to keep my benefits (since all of us, minus my stepson) are going to still be on them for some time to come. With the company watching their pennies like crazy, I see this as a win-win -- they can still keep me on the payroll, but not pay me as much, I get to keep my benefits -- I think I may discuss this with my Ops Mgr. next week sometime.

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To be totally honest, I wish I didn't have to work full time - I think some people believe many women work because they want to, or because being a mom doesn't fulfill them enough. Personally, if we could afford it, I would ****love**** to work part time. It was SO excruciatingly hard when I had to go back to work after I had my daughter -- I was the only source of income, and at the time, I was also going through a divorce, and didn't really have anyone who could take care of things. I was it. I still deal with a lot of guilt, but I have to keep telling myself, 'I did the best I could at the time.' One of the ladies who took care of her once said, "you probably appreciate spending time with your child more than women who can stay home all day." That helped me feel somewhat better -- that and going over to feed her in between assignments (I was news director for a series of radio stations at the time, and I chose the assignments, so therefore I would work out the schedule so I could go visit her frequently during the week). Sometimes I don't think moms who don't have to work full time understand what we go through. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to put them down; I *know* being a mother is a difficult job, whether you work or not, but I just wish there wasn't this brush that paints all of us working moms in a bad light (at least that's how I feel sometimes, but it's probably the "mommy guilt" rearing its ugly head).

I know that I'm in a much better place in a number of areas -- I have a very healthy marriage, a good relationship with my daughter, and I have a much better job/benefits this time around (and I *will* be taking at least 12 weeks off after the baby's born -- already checked into it with HR). I won't be alone this time. Plus, I have a friend who runs a day care in her home -- and I trust her completely, so that does put my mind at ease. I just know it's going to be hard. There are times I wish I could just snap my fingers, have my teaching job/certification and be done with it. But, like anything worth having, I know it takes time, and hard work, and perseverance.

This is just a lot of what's been going on in my mind lately. I've been praying a lot about all of this, and I'm just trying to "give it up to God" and trust in Him. I prayed He'd lead me to a great man who'd be my husband (He did), I prayed that he would help us conceive (He did), and I pray that He keeps our family safe (He has). That's all I can do.

Well, I'm off my proverbial soapbox for now (LOL), and now it's off to make dinner -- Friday nights are our "mexican" dinner nights, so I'm off to make quesadillas -- yum yum ! Until next week

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