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Vivian's Pregnancy Journal

Week 26 ~ February 4, 2005
~ Emotional Hell Week

Okay, the husband, boss, friends and my mom must think I'm nuts. And I'm thinking I might be too. The week started off fine... I'm starting to notice the baby moving much more! I went to Borders bookstore and they have a book called "Watch Me Grow" and I'm facinated with it. I can't believe that my little one is in there with facial expressions and that she may suck on her toes, thumbs or play with her umbilical cord. Then I also looked at a book where they showed a baby born at 26 weeks (where I am now) and the baby was TINY! I made Mychal go with me to Barnes and Noble yesterday to look at what our baby might look like.

Anyway, Tuesday I had a late day 9:00-7:30, but since I commute it's 8-8:30. I yawned the whole evening during my meeting and at one point I think the baby was stepping on my bladder, making it so uncomfortable to sit, I had to change chairs! I yawned the whole way home and zonked out for a night of unrestful sleep.

Wednesday I felt fine but then bad news struck and I felt overwhelmed. I took time to go to the mall and relax, not shopping but just people watching. I felt better about my emotional state of tiredness but my body was still wrecked. And then Thursday I called out. I was exhausted. Then I felt bad for not going to work. Felt unorganized for not having my life together... felt inadequate... the question always pops up: "if you can't handle this, how will you handle when baby comes?!?" and I pushed it out of my head. I tried to relax while I was home, and I got some extra sleep which helped me recharge a bit.

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Friday (today) morning, I woke up exhausted again, despite having a relatively pleasant dream (they're often so vivid and active that I might as well be awake) and this time I have the full break down... "what kind of mother will I be, why can't I handle this, what should I do, I wish... what if... what now" all float in my head. I totally soil 6 tissues and my husband tells me to stay home. He's exasperated now too... worried that I'm losing it no doubt. So here I am, in the bed, writing (which is oh so theraputic) in the journal trying to understand what I need to do to get my life back on task. I'll share with you guys my running list of what's going awry:

1. My work schedule is killing me. I'm up at 7 and getting home at 7. Now with two late days I'm getting up at 7 and getting home at 8 or 8:30. But nothing right now seems 'changeable'.

2. Sleep at night isn't restful. I've tried most suggestions... a body pillow, memory foam, propping up at night... everything short of sleeping in the tub (that's a thought).

3. Being a therapist, my natural inclination is to support others. Lately, there's been turmoil for my parents, friends, and family. They're fighting their own battles that I've been pulled into. I've been working on separating but somehow it always still 'sits' with me.

4. I hate that I have no motivation to do things in the house. We bought our second house now that we moved to Texas. Our old house was half the size so our house now is... ahem... bare. That kills me. I want to decorate but don't have the motivation or money.

5. I need to eat more veggies. I've known that for 6 months. I was a vegetarian before pregnancy but needed more protein. But now I'm all protein and starch but no veggies. I feel guilty for not feeding my baby (and myself) properly. So cook right? See, #4 for lack of motivation!

6. My body is fighting against me. I feel like a weighted down hippo. My hips ache constantly and my maternity pants (medium) are too tight for my comfort in wearing to the office. I'm gaining weight steadily and I can tell that my body is being taxed.

7. I exercise at least twice a week but I'm barely making that. It isn't pleasurable; it's more like a chore which makes it hard to keep my motivation.

8. I'm tired of all of this responsibility! I'm responsible to eat right, exercise, not miss work, be my best, follow my dreams (who has time for that?!?) get a good night's rest, not look frumpy, etc. etc. and I'm falling behind. Oh, and I'm responsible to find a way out of my rut!

I'm not sure if the baby is the impetus for this mental breakdown but I know for sure that I've gotta resolve something before I limp my achey body to a hot bath and refuse to get out! No work, no gym... just feed me and re-run my bath water!

Okay, I'm feeling much lighter now! I guess now it's time to tackle some of these mountains! Where is a pregnancy-life coach when you need it!

PS: I just got a call from the doc. Some of my discomfort: the tiredness, the rapid heart beat and shortness of breath when I was getting active or even getting in and out of bed that I attributed to the extra 21 lbs is that I'm anemic. It's good knowing that I'm not going crazy. That may help resolve the issue of me breaking down from exhaustion last week and this week. They recommended iron vitamins and--drum roll--leafy veggies (see Viv's lack of eating veggies above). Okay, so now I have a place to start. Keep ya posted!

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