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Vivian's Pregnancy Journal

Week 27 ~ February 9, 2005
~ Let's Talk About Hormones

So on Monday, I went in to talk with my boss and let her know what my teary phone call on Friday was about. I told her that I had been struggling with fatigue and time management and apologized for being a burden. I let her know about the anemia and about taking iron and getting my sleep hygiene intact. She told me she was anemic during her pregnancy years ago and understood. I wanted to cry out of relief. She actually said "we'll help you get through this." I owe her a lot. I don't think she even knows it.

Okay, let's talk about hormones. During a work committee meeting I got into a discussion. I thought I handled it well, tried to be objective and yet get my point in there. I talked to a good (but dramatic) friend afterwards and he commented that since I've been pregnant I've been 'edgy'. I had to smile. I think I have been what my husband calls "more extreme" than usual. Always one to be emotional and expressive, pregnancy has made my "honey, I think I'm hungry . . . we've got 30 minutes to find food until I pass out" into "honey, I'm hungry . . . we've got 3.2 seconds before I collapse" or I'll go from lethargy to bouncing off the walls dancing with the dogs to collapsing, breathing heavily on the couch. I'm assuming my emotions run that way too. I do have less patience though. Who can be Mother Teresa when your legs ache, your pants are way too snug or too loose and your baby is playing banjo on your bladder?

Mych and I signed up for several prenatal classes at this (seemingly) cool hospital (not the one I'm delivering at but perhaps I can get a pediatrician there) and it includes lamaze, birthing, daddy bootcamp and materniTea <--- while Mych talks with other vet dads and holds their babies, I talk with vet moms and get massages. It was a little stiff for the budget, $175 for all, but we decided it was worth it. Plus we do a training once a month up until the birth of the baby. Then we also watched Pregnancy for Dummies (the dvd) as a rental from the library (ahaha . . . free) and it was helpful to sit with Mych and have him watch with me. Nothing explosive was learned but it was a shared experience. Lastly, I rented a book on cd (I have an hour commute) called the 7 Stages of Motherhood. It's really good. Today it was talking about how new moms need their moms and I almost started bawling in the car. I need and miss my mom dearly. We're trying to move her down in June.

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Oh, exciting news: we set up the crib. It wasn't really that remarkable to me (most stuff isn't--I'm worried about that. Gotta work on being present during this journey) but Mych had a moment. He almost looked like he was moved to tears and wanted to hug and kiss me. I told him give me a hug in bed---so I could sleep! But nevertheless, he's beginning to really get invested. I think he'll be a great dad!

Just a couple of extras:

Started seeing a therapist again. Number one, every therapist needs a therapist but outside of that, I really want to get some of my control issues under (excuse the pun) control before the baby comes. I want to be okay with the chaos. I'm excited about this journey. He seems understanding and seemed to check in very quickly that I find it hard to slow down and be in the moment. I'm always chugging forward, never satisfied with the moment, always wanting to be two steps ahead. I want to be satisfied sitting with the chaos!

I talked with a coworker yesterday; he's this 300 lb former football player who I just assume is the strongest but gentlest man alive. He's come in the last few days looking exhausted. Today I finally asked him "tell me that it's not your babies . . . tell me that they aren't making you look so tired" (his babies are 2 and 4 I think). He said, with a crooked smile "oh, you wait. The youngest doesn't want to sleep at night lately and he's in the bed with us." I pretended to swoon "oh, no! don't tell me that! ) Lawd, what am I getting myself into!!!

Lately, I've been hearing and reading a lot of real life stories about mothers who lost their babies late term or once the baby was born and it has me freaked. (Thanks Jay for helping me express this). It's not a case of people telling me horror stories; this is part of their lives. It just freaks me out that I can't control whether she turns out okay or not. I keep wondering if the cosmos is trying to prepare me mentally. Right now, I'm going to table it. If it is to happen, there's nothing I could do to prevent it but I can see that this is impeding me feeling connected to the little kicker. I wish I could say I feel this bond. I don't, not strongly anyway. I'm an 'out of sight out of mind' kind of person and I can't really picture her enough for her to be real. Plus she's really inactive usually (except when I eat good food, have good convos or begin to unwind at around 8pm) so she's unreal to me yet. *sigh* I just want to see her little hand and smell her hair (okay, maybe I am bonded some). Never been a kid person so I guess I'm excited about her but also withdrawn for the reasons stated above.

Last part . . . *sarcasm dripping from this line* ----> I'm glad I'm not beyond morning sickness. Yippee! Tried taking my iron pill this morning with OJ and then eat oatmeal in the car. Bad combo. Tummy can only tolerate one or the other nowadays (and this is a BIG success compared to month 3-4). I felt right back into the old flow as I pulled over and soiled the cement at a gas station--their prices are too high anyway!

Okay, so that's me for right now. We're heading out of town this weekend for the baby shower in DC. I'm excited about it, not about the gifts but about sharing my pregnant body with my friends who are so far away! But also, it twinges me that a large majority of my friends can't make it. I can't help but feel let down (this is big for me and one of the few times in my life where I've let others share in my growth). But you know what, those who make it and those who will be there in spirit are what matter . . . *pushing chin up in the air*. We'll see!

V

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