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Vivian's Pregnancy Journal

Week 36 ~ April 14, 2005
~ Baby Dreams

The week has run pretty smoothly which has been a blessing. I'm starting to toss around in my head that showtime is aproaching. I've had several friends "just call" to check and see if we had had the baby yet. Mych took the car seat out yesterday to see if he could get it installed. I played with the carrier to see if I could get it in and out of the base. We set up the pack and play next to the bed and lined it with aluminum foil (said to help train cats and dogs to stay out of it) . . . Kylin is coming soon.

I went to the doc today for my weekly and this time I actually got out on time so I feel much better about that. I put on 2 lbs in a week but she didn't comment--a good sign. She actually said "It's okay if you go into labor now"...I know she was meaning--"you're at almost 37 weeks, so the baby will be healthy" but it felt good the way she said it. She gave me permission to have Kylin when she's ready.

I'm growing increasingly lethargic... needing naps (I had no sleepiness in my early pregnancy so I guess I'm getting it now!) and having to pee at least twice at night. I also have this insatiable thirst... hard to do with insatiable need to pee! A couple of nights ago Mychal woke up at 4:30 after me to use the bathroom and when he got back into bed he said "I was rubbing your belly while you were sleep and she was kicking." He seemed so excited that he got to share an intimate moment with her that I (being sleep--yea!) wasn't part of. I can't wait to see her.

This morning I had a horrible dream. Here's how it went: I woke up in our bed and it was still kinda dark. I looked over at Mych and he was feeding our baby. I was so surprised. I felt my belly and sure enough it was flat. I woke up all the way and said "Mychal what are you doing? When did I have the baby?" and he said "two days ago." I felt crushed. Absolutely crushed. I had missed her important debut. So I asked him to tell me what happened. He said that when I went into labor I got hysterical and they sedated me stating that it was the best thing to do for me and the baby and hence I was just waking up. I told him how angry I was with them (and him) for not letting me be conscious during her birth. So he gave her to me and I felt no bond. It hurt me so bad that when I held her I felt nothing... like she was somone else's child. So I tried to breastfeed her and she began crying because she had never been breastfed. I cried that they even took that away from me!

When I woke up I told Mych my wishes that no matter what I say, I don't want to be knocked out or sedated. I think numb is fine but not sedated. I want to be present when she's born. It was the weirdest dream but motivated me to talk to Mych about my birth plan and possibly put one together just in case.

So that's it for right now. My body is still changing--more stretch marks (yea!--not!) and I think the baby has dropped. My feet are aching at the soles from all the weight and I've got some major ankle swelling. But otherwise, I'm ready to see this little one and have my body back to myself!


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