Tara's Working Mom's Journal Journal

Entry Ten ~ December 5, 2007
~ Birthdays, Turkey Day and More . . .

Cam's first birthday cakeI had been planning to update my journal for some time -- honest -- but the last few weeks have been such a blur . . . with planning Cameron's party, Thanksgiving (including Cassie's "own" Thanksgiving holiday prior to visiting her father), work and financial issues, medical stuff with me . . . it's no wonder I am so tired once the weekend gets here!

Since my last entry, my little man is now officially a year old . . . a year that has flown by, to put it mildly. As you can see from the attached picture, he really enjoyed his cake! Cassie was very "dainty" when it came to tearing into her cake on her first birthday, but not Cam! There was barely any of his cake left; if he didn't eat it, it was all over him . . . in his hair, his clothes . . . and of course, I *had* to choose chocolate cake, so of course cleaning up was a bit more challenging .

Cassie is also doing very well; she's getting to that "testing Mom" phase, one that I know will lead up to the teenage years. I am working on being more patient and easy going and not a "drill sgt.", especially in the mornings when things can get hectic, with all of us getting ready to head out the door. She is becoming more and more responsible and trustworthy, and she has a very sensitive soul. And I hope that even with the challenges that lie ahead for both of us, especially those dreaded 'teenage years,' that she and I can have a good relationship and can feel comfortable talking with me about anything. In some ways, I'm still haunted a bit by how things went down with my mother and me, starting around the time I was 11 or so. I so want things to be different for Cassie and me, and I'm working to ensure that happens. She's getting ready for her winter concert at school (set for next week) and waiting for Santa to come visit .

As for me . . . well, I'm hanging in there. I heard from one of the people who interviewed me back in October (for a job that I thought was already filled). He says I'm still in the running, but that they were asked to interview a few more people but that he would keep me posted, and I should know something on *that* job by the New Year. I'm ok with staying here at my current job for the time being, especially after an incident that occurred a few weeks ago, where my supervisor surprised me, in a good way, with how supportive he was after a very troubling incident and I was extremely upset and distraught. I can't speak for other departments, but I now feel that if I do stay here until I get a teaching job, that's ok. and I'll just stick it out. However, if this other job is offered to me, I will likely take it, but I also don't want to jinx things.

On more personal matters . . . there are some days where I feel almost my "normal" self again, but lately I'm finding it tough not to beat up on myself, even if things weren't my fault. Sometimes I feel like I'm such a failure, and that maybe I should just go away for a bit, and that everyone would be better off if I weren't around for a little while. There are days, especially recently, where I feel so bad that I just cry; this is even with me being on medication for depression. I'm due to go back to see the psychiatrist this week. I really don't want to be on meds any longer, and maybe this might be the time to go back to see my therapist to help me deal with why I feel I'm not measuring up. I try not to be hard on myself, but nothing seems to be working . . . and I hate feeling so sad, I really do. I hide it pretty well from my kids, and even from my husband. I don't want him getting frustrated with me. I keep wondering when this rollercoaster will end. I've wanted to get off of it for quite some time. And of course, with the holiday season, that just makes me feel even worse . . . that I should be happy, but I'm not. I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

I am looking forward to having the rest of this week off from work, and having a bit more time to spend with the crazy kids and hopefully I can get some shopping done in the next week or so . . . and get our tree up and decorated . . .

Take care everyone and I'll try to update my journal a bit more frequently in the future.

Until next time . . .

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