Entry 11 ~ January 23, 2008
~ OK, Enough Procrastinating, Tara
Well, you know what they say about the road being paved with good intentions . . . I honestly meant to update my journal earlier, with loads of interesting or at least thought provoking snippets into my life at this point. The one thing I *can* say is that both of my kids are still growing very, very fast . . . but the sole wish I had going into the New Year hasn't come true yet.
I was really hoping I could start 2008 with a new job. I had hoped to hear back regarding a state job, one that I felt would have utilized my background and allowed me to do something different -- and hopefully *make* a difference -- between now and when I become a teacher. Despite promises from the man who interviewed me about alerting me after the New Year . . . nada. I have NO tolerance for people who lie to me. Here it is, almost February, and his promises were just out and out lies. I mean, come on, just let me know either way -- I'm a big girl, I can take it ! Just don't leave me hanging in the wind.
This job search has really tried my patience and continues to play a number on my psyche and self esteem. I have never had to look this long or this hard for another job. I figured with my experience, *someone* out there would want to hire me. Nope. I guess I haven't kissed enough a**es, I suppose.
It's very difficult to be optimistic, especially when you're at a job where you've really lost the drive. There are no challenges anymore, and I'm getting to the point where I am totally living for the weekend . . . and for 5 pm Monday through Friday. Used to be, I LOVED this job and had loads of passion and drive. Those days are long gone. I could do this job with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back. I feel like no one cares about what I do here, that when I leave, maybe then, and only then, they'll realize just who they're losing. But at that point, I won't care. I just see this job right now as a means to an end and what I get out of it (pay, health care benefits, vacation, sick days, etc.).
To top it all off, I decided last week to stop taking Paxil, because I thought I was feeling better. Maybe that wasn't such a good decision, because now I feel like I can't do anything right, at home or at work, and some days, I just want to run away and never come back. I keep thinking about the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," and wondering whether I should watch it again. In the last week, I've cried going into work at least a few times, which is a bit out of the norm for me (except for when I first came back to work last year after being on maternity leave).
I know I have to get back to school, I know that ultimately, teaching is where I want and need to be . . . but in the meantime, do I have to stay in a job that I hate so much? Can't I get a break? Does anyone care?
I'm actually tearing up as I write this . . . how sad is that?