Tara's Working Mom's Journal Journal

Entry 19 - February 3, 2009
~ We're Alive and Kickin' (Despite The Cold)!

After a long respite (read been busy beyond belief!), I am anxious to return to my (at least) once-a month entry from Working Mom Central. We had a great holiday season, spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with my in-laws in Maine and debriefing as much as possible. Cassie and Cam got to lay around in their PJs all day (which has become a tradition in our family) and we all were spoiled rotten. But boy, was it C-O-L-D up there! It sort of made a low of 20 degrees almost balmy! My in-laws were so great to us . . . and to me . . . it felt as if I were my in-laws' extra "kid," with how wonderful they were to me. I kept (and keep!) telling Bill that he doesn't realize how lucky he is to have such loving, supportive and caring parents. Anyway, I digress . . .

So far, 2009 hasn't been too bad. Things are much, MUCH calmer than they were about six to eight months ago. It's still very difficult for me to relax, however. I am back to seeing my therapist to help me deal with some anxiety issues . . . much of that coming from me being on "red alert" on a constant basis for so long. Every once in a while, I still get nightmares, mostly about my mother, but it's been about a week since I've had one (thank God!). The anxiety situation hasn't been helped by the current state of affairs (pun intended) with the state government. I know other states are in the same boat, or one that's worse off than mine, but it's very disconcerting when certain people are more concerned about using state employees as pawns than about finding REAL ways to balance the budget. I know I've only been a state worker for less than a year, but in my previous "life," I saw how these workers were used, time and time again, as chess pieces in a nasty, vitriolic game that never seemed to truly end. I guess I better put aside my own real "rainy day" fund, just like our state has, but do a much better job of managing it!

Cam had a really nasty cold last week and I ended up missing a few days of work, but he is doing much better now. But in his generosity, decided to spread the love around to Cassie and me, and now Bill has it. While it's a much milder form of the illness/cold, it's still a pain to deal with. With Bill still being in radio, nothing's worse than having a sore throat when you depend on your voice for your livelihood . . . except maybe losing it (which happened to me a few times during my former radio career). Both the kids are doing well. Cassie says she's "OK" with school - I sort of miss the days where she would get so excited about heading to school in the morning, but I suppose much of it is the "tween" attitude and not wanting to come across as too much of a 'nerd' LOL. Cam is still our crazy boy - he makes us laugh with his antics, loves to dance and has pretty good rhythm (he gets that from me) and has a great sense of humor (gets that from his sister).

I sort of alluded to this before, earlier on in this journal entry, but I am trying, very much so, to heal from the awful "stuff" that happened last year regarding my mother. Since November, I've reached out to a dear aunt and cousin, who really opened my eyes to things. Turns out that I'm not the only one who has been lashed out at . . . and who I thought she was and who she actually is are two completely different people. I have come to terms with that, but there are so many more questions that I want answered. I'm not sure if I will ever get them. This was a short poem I wrote just the other day . . . it sort of sums those questions up.

Please, explain to me
how you can be so easily dismissive
so cruel
and toss me away like a worn out dishrag that has lost its purpose
to you

Because . . . I just don't understand how
erasing away everything will bring you peace or help you heal
From the issues that have been so obvious to others

But yet you remain blind,
in so many ways.

So, here I am, February of 2009, still wondering what it was that I did that made this woman, this person who helped create me and bring me into this world, hate me so. I suppose the biggest reason was that I stood up to her. I finally said ENOUGH. For that, I am disowned. Oh well . . . it took me a long time to see who she really was. I guess it's better late than never. All of this has made me more determined than ever to be the best mother, with God's help and support, that I can be . . . to be there for my children no matter what life throws our way. I wish I could share with you some sort of epiphany, but that's where I am right now. I just thank God each and every day for my family, and ask him to watch over each of us and keep us from harm (ANY harm).

There are some other things that have happened in recent months that have made us more thankful and grateful for each other. A dear friend and co-worker of mine lost her son, due to some sort of brain disease (they think). This friend of mine has been through so much over the past few years; she's back at work and I think it's helping her, but it hurts me to know that she has so much pain. Her son was only 15 years old. It brought me back to the time when Melissa died, three years ago this spring. Words can't begin to describe how painful this . . . not for family and friends, but for the moms and dads who have to pick up the pieces and try to keep going, each and every day. I pray for Melissa's family and for Kyle's family a lot. I wish I could do more . . . I really do.

About a week ago, a former colleague of Bill's had to be rushed to the hospital and have emergency surgery. She was diagnosed with Crohn's disease late last year and ended up having most of her large intestine removed. She was going through a nasty divorce, just got laid off from her job, and is raising a two year old boy on her own (turns out the ex to be isn't in the picture . . . not too much of a surprise, considering the type of person that he is). At last check, she is still in a medicated coma until she's ready (according to the doctors) to be brought out of it. Just awful, awful stuff . . . even with all the uncertainty and anxiety we as a family have experienced, that's nothing, compared to what they've had to undergo. We're counting our blessings, that's for sure!

Oh, before I sign off of here, I wanted to give a belated shout out and congrats to Nancy on the birth of her little girl. I know you have some challenges ahead, but she, like all of God's children, is a precious gift and I know you and your family will cherish her and love her to pieces!

OK, off to bed for me. Busy day tomorrow . . . take care everyone . . .

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