Tara's Working Mom's Journal Journal

Entry 21 - August 25, 2009
~ Yay - Summer's (Almost) Over!

Cameron and CassieHi all - I'll guess you're wondering why I am happy that summer's almost over. Well, it's been a doozy of one for sure.

In past columns, I made references to some challenges that our family has been going through, and while I still don't want to get into a whole lot of detail, it's been tough. But, at the same time, I believe it's made us stronger as a family, because of what we've had to endure. That being said, it also took its toll in some other ways, but we're making headway and that's what is important.

What I can't get over, and probably never will, is this: why would someone try to mess with a kid's head? Mess with a child's family? Do everything possible to put them in the middle? And, on top of it, why would this person -- who supposedly "loves" this child -- go out of their way to also threaten the child's mother, go behind her back and say/do awful things, and at the same time, act like they're untouchable and that they can do no wrong? For the life of me, it makes no sense. It's hurtful to the child, it puts them in the middle (also very hurtful) and it goes against his/her well being. Sorry I have to be a bit guarded in my remarks, but I have to be careful. There are some out there I don't trust and never will.

Luckily, those in a position to *do* something about it are...and will be. And, as a mother -- a good mother -- I will do everything I can to protect and nurture my children. That hasn't changed -- that protective instinct has only become stronger. When someone goes out of their way to hurt you -- through a child -- that's beyond disgusting and repugnant. I'm not just talking about one person, but a few. I'm hoping, in time, I can find a way to forgive them, but it's not easy. My MO right now is doing right by my children and being the best mom I can be - period.

Bill and I are getting back on track, after months of juggling a lot of things (including some stress). We're having our first date in more than a year and a half this weekend! I'm really excited about it and looking forward to it. I know our relationship's "healthiness" is vital to keeping our family together and strong, and I realize it's in need of additional nurturing. We're going to get back to some regular dates and ensure that we keep the magic alive. We just celebrated our fourth anniversary being married. In total, we've been together eight years - I think that speaks volumes about our love, our commitment and our tenacity. No one can mess with us! We won't let them!

Cassie is heading back to school soon and has joined the cross country team at her middle school. I continue to be amazed by her, and feel very blessed to be her mom. Seems like yesterday, I was bringing her home from the hospital. And she's grown (a LOT I tell you!) so much, has a great attitude/self-image, good grades, nice friends, and is a great big sister to her little brother. I know she'll be OK; I just worry about her so much sometimes, especially as she gets older. I have to keep reminding myself that our relationship is 1,000 times better than the one I had with my so called "mother." I will do whatever it takes to make sure it stays that way.

CameronCam is just a bundle of energy and happiness and sometimes craziness too. He'll be three this November, and loves to sing, play outside with his soccer set (a gift from his Auntie Carrie and Uncle Brian!) and continues to make us laugh at his antics. His daddy has officially passed the "torch" to Cam on all things radio. Cam even likes to "make" his own radio towers with blocks or anything else he can stack, and he's at the age where he can repeat commercials, including those that are played on his dad's radio station!

All in all, we've had some trying, distressing and challenging events to handle since my last entry, but I have a renewed sense of hope and strength, all of that due to God. I feel like my relationship with Him is much closer. It's helped me to heal in many ways. I haven't divulged much about this before, but in addition to the awful 'stuff' that directly (and tragically) affected my oldest, I also got hit with some 'home truths' involving my own mother. I'm still working out a lot of that, but I am also much, much stronger than I was...more than I ever thought I could be.

My husband alerted me to a great book, called, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? It's focused on helping daughters of narcissistic mothers. I didn't *know* that her actions to me over the years could have been labeled as such, but it wasn't too long after I read the book and checked out the website that I realized she was indeed a NM (Narcissistic Mother). It helped to explain a lot, and it helped me realize that **none** of this is my fault. For years, I blamed myself, thinking "if only I could do this better, if only I could do that better, etc." It's helping me realize that I'm not at fault and that there are ways to heal and NOT repeat the same behaviors/beliefs that I unfortunately grew up with. It's added another dimension of hope for me.

While other challenges may come their way with our family, I feel stronger, now more than ever, that we can meet them and succeed...and just BE a family...and to never, ever, ever take that for granted.

Here's one of my favorite pictures of my two kids, and a funny "tower" picture of Cam.

Take care, everyone!

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