Tara's Working Mom's Journal Journal

 

Entry 37 - October 30, 2013
~ Ok God - Now What?

I can honestly say that I struggled with writing this journal entry. I consider myself to be a relatively optimistic/forward-thinking/positive person, but this year has really challenged how I see myself.

After four months of being unemployed, I was able to secure a job in July, only to have that job end at the end of September, barely 90 days into the position. It was through NO fault of my own, only a change in management, where the new General Manager told me that he "didn't hire me" and that he felt I was "overqualified" for the position. Good way to once again stick it to a woman who only wants to work and provide for her family. So, now I'm back on unemployment and back looking.

I wish I could say or feel that God has a plan for me and that "once one door closes, another one opens" or something along those lines. But I can't. I just keep plugging along, applying for jobs, going on interviews, doing screening interviews by phone, trying to keep my head above water and not get sucked into the pit of depression and questioning what in the world is wrong with me. It's really hard. I broke down yesterday but managed to get myself together before I headed out for an interview. Most days, I'm OK. Others, not so much.

I went to see my pastor earlier this month in an attempt to figure out why this was happening: did I do something to upset God? Was He trying to tell me something or worse, was He punishing me? My pastor assured me that none of that was the case and reminded me that even though we're believers, that doesn't mean that bad things won't happen to us, but that He will see us through and to just lean on him, my family and my friends. So, I'm trying. Again, some days are better than others.

I'm a very take charge type of person. I like to make things happen. When I have to wait on others to do things, especially with work-related tasks, it irks me. This whole situation irks me. I didn't ask for this to happen - let alone three times since 2011. None of the dismissals were my fault: one was related to a backstabbing, horrible supervisor, combined with a change in administration (state government), one was due to a layoff/reduction in force (local hospital), and another was technically a "layoff."

My whole outlook on things has changed . . . if I had to sum it up in one word, it would be "whatever." Someone doesn't want to interview me? Whatever. You can't be bothered to follow up with me on a job I applied for? Whatever. You think I'm overqualified? Whatever . . . I'm really close to just giving up. But I can't. My family needs me. And I feel like I'm letting them down, even though others assure me that's not the case.

I just can't take this anymore. I'm done. I'm tired of rejection, I'm tired of busting my youknowwhat for an organization/company, only to be shown the door. You can't keep doing this to people, especially those with families to support! Some days, I get so angry and I'm not sure what to do with that anger. So, I do yoga. I go for a walk. But, my questions as to why this keeps happening remain.

So . . . I continue on. I look every day for jobs. I apply. I try to keep myself busy (volunteering at my son's school, at the food bank, baking/cooking, doing things around the house that I had been putting off) so I don't completely lose it. And I pray. I just hope God answers my prayers. Again, my faith is wavering and I'm not sure what to do.

Slightly hoping there are brighter days ahead, but I guess I'm of the mind that I'll believe it when I see it . . .

~Tara

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