Tara's Working Mom's Journal Journal

 
Entry Six
~ It's Official

Well, I guess I shouldn't have been too surprised with the news that I am officially diagnosed with postpartum depression. A few days after my last entry, it was pretty much confirmed. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a few weeks, so I guess they don't think it's so severe that I need to see someone right now. In the meantime, I'm just trying to keep going. Some days it's easier than others. Days when I'm really, really tired, it's very tough to keep the tears from flowing or wanting to bite someone's head off due to exhaustion, frustration, guilt, you name it. It's not fun, I can assure you.

My last journal entry apparently alarmed a few of my friends, which sort of surprised me. I guess it shouldn't have, but it did. I guess in a way, it came across as a bit of a cry for help. I was, and still am, for the most part, feeling like I'm just hanging on sometimes. One minute I feel fine, the next, I feel very, very sad. It's frustrating, because I don't want to feel this way, and every attempt I have made to try to feel better just hasn't worked.

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At our last meeting with our dear therapist (which was right before Memorial Day -- while I was getting over being sick and before Bill *got* sick), he urged us to make a date. Well, we did, but Bill had another relapse of the stupid strep throat, so that got cancelled. Ok, so on with the next attempt -- which would be this Friday. Unfortunately, Cam's godmother can't watch him for us, so we will either scrap this attempt (again) or bring him with us. It's an outside/outdoor event, so maybe it won't be that bad. I just really, really miss having some special time with my husband -- just the two of us. I miss having something fun to do, even if it's just for a little while. I miss the closeness we had. I miss the romance. I miss feeling special. I miss other *things,* if you catch my drift. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I hope I don't sound too whiney. It's just that I feel so spent, like I don't have very much more of myself that I can give until I sort of get "refilled," so to speak. There are days where I feel so badly that I don't want to interact with too many people, whether at home or at work. It's pretty pathetic, actually, because I have everything I want -- a family, a nice home, a decent job -- but I'm not happy. And that makes me feel worse.

I'll update again once I get a chance to see someone. There's really not much more I can add. I just hope I'm not letting my husband or my kids down. I feel like I am.

I want to see if there's a rainbow at the end of this storm. I hope there is.

~Tara

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