~ Treading Carefully
I've been thinking for days how to write this entry. I guess I really left things on a cliffhanger of sorts. First off, though, I want to thank the kind, caring women who emailed me, offering their hope and support. You have no idea how much those words of encouragement mean to me. I've kept them to remind me of how there is hope . . . the so-called "light" at the end of the tunnel. Some days I think I've found it . . . but more on that in a little bit.
I had my appointment with the psychiatrist (Dr. M I will call him) on the 13th of July. He diagnosed me with major depression, but a very mild form of it. He prescribed Paxil and wants to see me back in a month's time. I know it will take a few weeks for the medicine to get into my system and do its job. A few weeks prior to my appointment with Dr. M, I had some leftover Paxil from my mild depression about two years ago. The formulation made me very nauseous and dizzy, so I stopped taking it. Dr. M. gave me a different formulation of Paxil. So far, knock on wood, no side effects (crossing fingers).
There are days when I feel like my "normal" self (before the depression), and I think, 'hey, maybe I have beat this thing.' But, invariably, I'll go a few days, or maybe a week, and then something happens to make me sad or beat up on myself. Dr. M assures me the medication will help sort out those "low" periods and help me feel more stable. I cannot tell you how beyond tired I am of this roller coaster.
Another person who's tired of it is my husband. For the most part, he's been quite supportive, but he's human too. I can't expect him to be the rock of strength all the time. That wouldn't be fair of me. At the same time, I do sort of feel this pressure to "hurry up and get better," if that makes any sense.
This week we're both on vacation. No real major plans to go anywhere, although we did do a nice day trip earlier this week to a state park (that also had a nice swimming pool, much to my daughter Cassie's delight) and we had a great time. Tomorrow (Friday) we're planning to stay overnight in Valley Forge and spend most of Saturday there . . . then, of course, it's back to the 'ol grind' come Monday. Good thing I have a bit of vacation time in August to look forward to.
Since my last entry, I've also begun putting my resume out and put the search for a new job into a higher gear. For some time, I have been very, VERY burnt out in my current position, and I'm looking for a change. If I have to work, which I do, until I win the lottery, I want to do something that will make a difference. I know that sounds very lofty and idealistic, but I figure if I'm going to work, I want to help people. A friend of mine, who is high up in the non-profit sector, has offered to circulate my resume at his place of work, as well as with others, so I'm hopeful in that regard.
Both Cameron and Cassie are doing well . . . Cam has three teeth on the top and working on another, and another one is coming in on the bottom. He is such a happy baby. Cassie is almost ten and growing like a weed; when she came back from visiting her father last weekend, I swear she must have grown at least two inches (and she was only gone about three weeks). My stepson seems to be closer to figuring out what he wants to do with his life/career. He's looking for another job that pays more, and still wants to eventually go back to school, but has a few other things to take care of before that can happen. He and I had a really good chat the other night. One of the advantages of his girlfriend being away for a while visiting her mom out of state is that he is home a bit more, and we can actually have conversations with him on occasion!
Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow, when my husband's in a better mood (not tired/cranky) and we get to head out of the area overnight.
Until next time . . .